10 Healthy Meals Even An Idiot Can Make

First of all, you’re an idiot. Second, here’s 10 Healthy Meals so easy even you can make them.

Saying you’re terrible in the kitchen is like saying you’re terrible at breathing – it’s that straightforward to do. Of course, there are noticeable differences, as you breathe over 18,000 times a day, whereas you’d only prepare about three meals. Nonetheless.

I’ve carefully chosen 10, and by carefully I mean not carefully at all, as that’s about as many meals as I know how to make.

1. Scrambled Eggwhites
(237 calories, 13.9g fat, 4.1g carbs, 25.3g protein)

You will need:
4 eggs
30g of mozzarella cheese (light)
dash of skim milk
Ok - it might not great, but neither do you.Method:
Crack 3 eggwhites + 1 full egg into a bowl, and stir.
Add a dash of skim milk, stir again.
Sprinkle the cheese on top, then place a cover on top and microwave for 60 seconds. It’ll look weird, like a placenta at this stage. Try not to think of that, and stir.
Microwave for a further 60 seconds. Then eat. Idiot.




2. Turkey, Cheese & Avo Wraps
(340 calories, 14.1g fat, 29.4g carbs, 26.6g protein)

You will need:
100g sliced turkey
30g of mozzarella cheese (light)
1/4 avocado
2 wholemeal ‘sorj’ wraps

Turkey: Not just a country

Lay out two sorj wraps, spread avocado in the middle of each.
Place the turkey evenly on both, and sprinkle cheese on top.
Place in flat sandwich toaster, and once cheese has melted, eat. Idiot.






3. Tuna & Cous Cous Salad
(280 calories, 6g fat, 37g carbs, 23g protein)

You will need:
1 x 75g tin of tuna chunky slices (Sirena)
1/2 cup of cous cous
5 cherry tomatoes
Spinach leaves


Pour the stupid cous cous into a bowl, then fill with 1/2 cup of boiling water. Once dry, separate cous cous with fork, add pepper to taste, then mix in tuna, tomatoes and spinach. Then eat. Idiot.





4. Basa & Beans
(344 calories, 2.1g fat, 7.1g carbs, 28g protein)

You will need:
2 fillets of basa (catfish)
Moroccan seasoning
1/2 cup of green beans

Holy shit this one’s easy. Defrost your basa (I’m assuming you bought frozen basa as it’s cheaper, and you’re a cheapskate).

basa 001

Oil the pan, and coat the basa with whatever you think will make it taste awesome, like Moroccan

seasoning, or lemon, or garlic. Not that basa needs to taste any more awesome, but do it anyway. Add the green beans on the pan too ay. Then when it’s ready. Eat. Idiot.





5. Tuna Bake
(579 calories, 17.6g fat, 35.1g carbs, 33g protein)

You will need:
1 x 75g tin of tuna chunky slices (Sirena)
1 cup of pasta (preferably penne)
1 jar of tuna bake sauce

tunabakeIf it’s possible, this one’s even fucking easier. Boil pasta in a saucepan, then when al dente, put into a baking tray with a bit of depth. Akin to a boss, add the tuna and sauce, and sprinkle cheese on top. Then put into the oven on or whatever, to like 150 degrees, for like 15-20 mins. Then eat. Idiot.







6. Tasty Protein Shake
( 150 calories, 1.1g fat, 15g carbs, 21g protein)* with water

You will need:
2/3 scoops (25g) protein powder (lo-carb)
200ml skim milk or water
1/2 banana
Shake it like a polaroid picture

“A protein shake isn’t a meal” I hear you cry. Shut up, that’s what. It is a meal, and here’s why. Put all above things into a blender. Turn blender on. Turn blender off. Then eat. I mean drink. Idiot.





7. Chicken Panang
( 272 calories, 8.7g fat, 9.1g carbs, 38.2g protein)* without rice

You will need:
150g chicken breast
50g Panang Curry Paste
1 cup of green beans
a few cauliflowers ay
Rice (if you want to get fat, that is)

Method:Panang-num style
Sa-wad-dee-krab, you are now a Thai chef. No you’re not. Shut up. Anyone can make this, that’s why it’s on this list.

Cook the chicken in a pan. Add the green beans and cauliflower. Cook more. Add the panang sauce. Keep cooking. Eat. Idiot.




8. Chef Salad

( 327 calories, 14.1g fat, 9.2g carbs, 36.2g protein)

You will need:
90g sliced turkey
90g sliced ham
4 or 5 grape tomatoes
30g mozzarella cheese or feta
1/4 avocado
bit of dressing

You don't have to be a chef to make this salad. Lucky, cos you're shit.

Look out. There’s a spaceship that needs fixing. Lucky there’s a rocket surgeon in the room. Holy shit. Chop. Mix. Eat. Idiot.









9. Chilli Turkey Burger

( 470 calories, 23.1g fat, 11.2g carbs, 49.8g protein)

You will need:
Wholemeal bread rolls
170g ground turkey breast
1 x egg
1-1/2 tablespoons sourdough breadcrumbs
3 tablespoons low-fat milk
chilli flakes
2-1/4 teaspoons green onions, minced
2-1 /4 teaspoons parsley, chopped
1 /4 teaspoon Dijon mustard
1 dash Worcestershire sauce
black pepper to taste


Combine all ingredients and divide mixture into patties. Cook said patties on the pan. Once they look heaps delicious, put them on bread rolls, with some cheese. Eat. Idiot.









10. French/Canadian Toast

( 854 calories, 37.4g fat, 89.2g carbs, 40.1g protein)

You will need:
Slices of bread (white)
4 rashers of bacon
3 x eggs
3 tablespoons low-fat milk
30g butter
1/4 cup of Maple syrup
A long lie-down afterwards

french canadian toast

Ok. Ignore the title ‘Healthy’. This one’s for when you’ve given up on life, and all things to do with living well. It’s a Sunday morning, you’ve had a big Saturday night. You’re not going to want to eat fucken eggwhites.

Mix eggs and milk together in a bowl. ¬†Get slices of bread out, one at a time and fully immerse them in the bowl. Slop ’em round in there a bit. They like it. Put a nub of butter on the frying pan (is a nub even a thing, maybe it’s a knob), and instantly cover it with this slice of eggy bread. Meanwhile cook the bacon next door. Not actually next door, as it’ll take ages to run back and forth between kitchens. I mean the next stove element along. Once the toast looks cooked, take it off and cover with maple syrup and bacon. Eat. Idiot.

Good. So now you know how to put together 10 different meals. No need to expand your repertoire. I certainly haven’t. Good luck to you.