How to Make Friends, The Guide

Posted on January 24, 2012 by dom

As noone’s ever done a Guide to anything before, I thought I’d start with a Guide to Making (and Keeping) Friends. Here are the 5 things you must keep in mind if you want to be as popular as a snail on television.

1. Insult their choice of hairstyle (even if it’s splendid).

This instantly gets the friendship off to a great start and shows that you’ve paid enough attention to them to at least note what’s on top of their head.

Interrupt them with something like “excuse me, I just happened to notice that your hair isn’t ideal, in fact it’s really bad and that”.

Nice hair, idiot

2. Better their anecdote, and let them know

After you’ve sat through 90 boring seconds of them telling a story about their dog’s tooth examination, retort with

“I’ve got a way more interesting story than that…my dog was a Commander in the navy and also helped build the Airbus A380. That’s way better than your story” (or something akin to that.)

3. Tell them to buy you shoes

As first impressions go, it’s hard to top this. A simple request (order) that they purchase a pair of Lucchese 2000 Mens Brown Caiman Gator Tail Cowboy Boots ($750) should not only ensure they are devoted to you, but that you retain the upper hand. (Also, retain the receipt as they’ve probably bought a cheap eBay version).

C'mon, buy me shoes

4. Improve their work/uni presentation..with Goatse

While they’re hard at work finishing off that important presentation for the following day, strategically insert images of Goatse in their slides.

No doubt the audience will find it so amusing that there will be no other choice but to promote/reward the employee/student.

5. Leave them a gift

People love gifts. They also love seafood, especially in summer. Why not leave them a delicious bowl of prawns under the driver’s seat in their car? If they don’t see the gift straight away, it’s hardly your fault. After all, you wanted to surprise them, didn’t you?

This Weekend’s ToDo

Posted on January 20, 2012 by dom

Relinquish control of a swamp from this thing, then bash its face with a hair straightener.

Blackout at youLovatt

Posted on January 19, 2012 by dom

What the hell are people going to with their lives now that YouLovatt has gone black for the protest against SOPA?

Well firstly, it’s only the background that’s black, and secondly, it’s not going to affect anyone, because none of you idiots even look at this site. It gets less hits than Google+. I know – Embarrassment City.

But really, supporting piracy? I don’t know.

“It’s free speech, not piracy” you pathetically mutter, whilst chowing down on a delicious Bondi Burger from Oporto.

No, it’s piracy.

If you wrote or recorded (or dare say, do both) a song, and released it only to find that these stupid 15 year olds (your audience) aren’t paying a dime towards the product, you’d be a bit peeved I imagine. Worse still, when they create hilarious, yet detrimental remixes of said song, which gain more of a following than the original that you spent months, if not minutes, penning.

Anyway, the only thing sopa is going to pass through is your loco Spanish stomach.

My life in graphs

Posted on January 12, 2012 by dom

Graphs. Like me, they’re great.

I can let people know where I’ll be.

Or how I’m feeling

Or even the weekly schedule of cats delivering letters to swans

So the next time you’re making a graph, stop and think about the thousands of graphs worldwide, like these ones above, that never see the light of day. Whether that be poor marketing, or just downright bad or useless information.

Clouds only move because we move

Posted on December 7, 2011 by dom

Yes. You read it right. That’s if you can read, idiot. But then, my cleverly constructed jibe at you is lost anyway. So you’re not an idiot. Unless of course, you thought clouds move regardless of whether we move.

So it’s been proven with an experiment of something that clouds only move because we move.

Above is a satellite photo of clouds starting to move, because one of them saw a guy move below. Otherwise the humans would start to suspect something.

For a number of years, scientists have fruitlessly attempted to catch clouds out on this behaviour, and only now have managed to, due to a certain cloud (not naming names) that was not on guard, and instead was playing with his new iPad 2.

Hotmail: Registered Since …?

Posted on November 28, 2011 by dom

Rome has history, so why can’t the Internet?

Hotmail. Once a free web-based email service, now a free web-based email service. And, like your mum, it has 364 million users.

My hotmail account was registered on 16 December 1998. If you can better that, I’ll give you a free can of soup.

When was yours?

Note: To find out, log in to hotmail, on the right-hand side, hover over ‘Options’, and select ‘More options…’. Then, under Managing your account, click ‘Account details (password, aliases, time zone)’. It will then be visible to your disgusting face.

Are toilets just taking the piss?

Posted on November 22, 2011 by dom

When toilets were first introduced back in 2002, who would’ve thought they’d take off?

But alas, nearly a decade later most people have used one at least never.

An interview was conducted with like 3 people, and they all said they’ve used a toilet THAT day! Remarkable, considering that for the past 145 years, we’ve been using a laptop charger for the very same ritual.

“This toilet idea is proposterous. Who the onions would want to change from the perfectly good laptop chargers we have now?”

- Johnny Twoswords, Manager of Laptop Charging Division, Dell Computers.

5 Things You Didn’t Know About Caterpillars

Posted on November 15, 2011 by dom

So you think you know everything there is to know about these ridiculous creatures?

Studied all the books, have you?

Well you’re certainly arrogant. And sluggardly.

Here are 5 Things You Didn’t Know About Caterpillars.

1. They can read
I’m actually surprised you didn’t know this one. Of course they can read. They get taught it whilst still larvae, and are generally prose literate by the age of 3 months.

Once, a caterpillar read Joyce’s Ulysses in under a week. And even reviewed it.

2. They love Ribena
Entomologists are baffled at the undeniable attraction caterpillars have to this blackcurrant treat.

During the Vitamin C debarcle earlier this decade (where media caught wind of some students that proposed Ribena were misleading the public with their Vitamin C promises), a few breakaway ‘pillars got revenge. By burning the students house down. While they were in it.
3. They don’t turn into butterflies. They turn into falcons.
It’s been thought for dozens of years that they spin a cocoon and reappear as a butterfly, but recent studies have shown this is complete bollocks.

They turn into Falcons. I’m talking Peregrine Falcons. With jewellery.

4. They have the highest domestic violence rate of all insects.
When it comes to domestic violence callouts, ‘pillars punch above their weight.

The Insect Crime Bureau report that 73% of all caterpillar marriages end in the first year due to one form or another of domestic violence.

Violence against Women – Caterpillars say ‘Alright’.

5. The board of CATERPILLAR – the leading maker of earthmoving equipment – are caterpillars
Run by down-to-earth CEO Paul Slither, this multi-million dollar company are one of the only in Australia completely owned and operated by insects.

It is only now that you are well-versed enough to say ‘I now know everything there is to know about caterpillars’.

Now go away.

If you had the chance…

Posted on November 8, 2011 by dom

If you had the chance to ask,
A pillow for its name
An antelope for the price of chips,
A buzzard for a window frame

Would you do it? Or otherwise rue it?
Let’s say that you’d comply
For the cheese off the top of a hill once said,
“put a hole in me and you’ll die”

Is Capt. Planet Really Who He Claims To Be?

Image

Did you that he’s our hero? Yeh, he’s also promised to take pollution down to a staggering 0! Unheard of, I know!

He claims to be ‘our powers magnified’, but I think he’s referring to anyone who already possesses such powers. If you ask me, it’s a bit egotistical to think that you’re so good that only when all others are combined, is a valid comparison available.

Now it’s also been widely documented that he’s “gonna put us under bad guys that like to loot and plunder”? This sounds totally homoerotic to me. How can being placed ‘under’ guys mean anything contrary to an orgy?

And do I have anything to say to this narcissistic, recruiter of young, fit and lithe individuals whose primary aims are to both rid the world of pollution and to get physically intimate with bad guys? Yes.

You’ll pay for this, Captain Planet